This morning I sat sipping a mocha in Starbucks for almost three hours, reading my Bible and writing John a long letter, and repeatedly told myself that one week ago he was still home. But the thought remained in the world of surreal… it has to have been longer than that…
But no, it was only a week ago tomorrow my beloved headed off on a bus toward the Sandy Spot on the other side of the globe.
The hardest moment, by far, was seeing his camouflage-clad arm waving in the midst of a sea of hands as the buses drove away… around the corner… and were gone. The best part–getting his phone call to tell me he was safely at his base a few days later.
God’s grace is an absolutely amazing thing. It is never-ending, the supply can never be exhausted and He always gives more in accordance with our need.
For weeks–more like months–I’d been dreading that day last week. I’d been trying to imagine spending our last day together, kissing him goodbye, hearing Troy tell him bye-bye, watching him walk away and onto the bus. Many were the nights I fell asleep with tears on my pillow.
But in all my imagining, I didn’t see the grace my Jesus would supply when the time actually came. I didn’t know that He would wrap His loving arms around me when my beloved’s arms had to let go. I didn’t see the peace He’d give. I couldn’t feel His gentleness as He dried my tears. I didn’t realize the enormous amount of support He’d pour on us through dear family and precious friends.
Now I kinda wish I hadn’t spent so many hours trying to imagine a feeling I couldn’t possibly feel, having never been through it before. The imagining was truly worse than the reality has been–but only because of Jesus and His comfort.
I’m missing my husband terribly, even though he’s been gone much longer than a week before. Knowing it will be over a year makes it harder somehow. Both boys are having a hard time with the transition. Merritt, little as he is, has been extremely fussy and not wanting to nurse, and Troy has been having nightmares, crying for Daddy.
We expected it to be hard–but once again, God’s grace astounds me. Our transition into life-with-Daddy-gone-land has been nice and slow. Except for a few hours on Monday, I’ve had some member of my family here since John left. I usually talk to John’s mom at least once or twice a day. Troy is now spending a couple fun-filled days with my parents and I have a few days to re-group a little, think through how to get started with “normal” life next week, and finish the blanket I’m crocheting for John–he says it is very cold over there.
So we’re hangin’ in there. It’s a rainy night here and I’m curled up under 2/3 of that partially-crocheted afghan with my lap top and a handful of peanut M&M’s. Merritt is crashed for the night. I’m re-reading the oodles upon oodles of sweet comments and emails you all sent me–your love and prayers on our behalf is completely overwhelming. I can’t tell you what it has meant to me to have my inbox fill with your words of kindness. You bloggie peeps are the greatest and I’ll be responding to each of your emails one by one.
(Speaking of emails–to the friends and family who would like John’s email and mailing addresses, email me and I’ll get that to you right away. He’d love to hear from you and is pretty good about writing back. :) )
All I have to say is that if the Lord has given us this much strength and comfort in the first week… I can’t wait to see what He’ll have done a year from now. He is good. So very good.
Heather says:
*TEARS* AGAIN, girl, the GRACE…*the grace* that abides within you and flows out of you is just so precious to see. Love you dearly.
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January 23rd, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Darcy says:
You have been in my thoughts and prayers for the last week, and it’s good to see you giving an update as to how you and the boys are doing. I’ll be praying for you even more in the coming days as you try to figure out a ‘new normal’ for you and the boys.
{{{HUGS}}}
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January 23rd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Megan says:
ditto to heather’s comment! thank you for the update, and your powerful testimony of our Lord’s AMAZING grace. i’m still here, lifting up my sister in christ.
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January 23rd, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Grafted Branch@Restoring the Years says:
Awesome word. I’ve no doubt that your words here will be a balm to someone, somewhere, who needs to be comforted with the comfort which you have been graced.
May God’s love and peace, daily envelope you and your boys during these next 12 months and 3 odd weeks.
And don’t forget to tell those little ones that their Daddy gets to go on a “Hero Adventure!” Sell it, Ashleigh. :)
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January 23rd, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Christine says:
Praise the Lord for his goodness and comfort. You and John have been on my heart this last week. God is so faithful to bring you to mind everyday.
I’ll be sure to pray for Troy’s comfort as well. It must be hard at his age to understand why his Daddy is gone, and of course you and John will continue to be in my prayers. *Hugs* God is good, but I’m sure it’s still so hard.
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January 24th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Sileena says:
Ashleigh I came to see how things were going. I guess I imagined a tearful post and instead I am the one with tears and you are such a testimony of His great love. What a sweet sweet post. Thanks for the update.
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January 24th, 2008 at 12:52 am
Marc and Charity says:
Hello, I think I may have commented here before but I can’t remember! Anyway, just wanted to say that I loved this post and I will pray for you and your boys. We live overseas, but are from TX. Please tell your husband thank you for what is he is doing.
I’ll check back often!
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January 24th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Elizabeth says:
I’m continuing to pray for you all! :->
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January 24th, 2008 at 5:16 am
Becky K. says:
God is so good.
Thanks for being faithful to share this. There are many who face this and do not have the peace that you know. I hope that somehow they might read these words and come to find the Source for themselves.
I cannot imagine being in your position right now so I have absolutely no words of advice…just wanted you to know that you will remain in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping that this year will be done before you know it.
Blessings,
Becky K.
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January 24th, 2008 at 5:45 am
Sarah Halter says:
Ashleigh, that is so beautiful and encouraging. I don’t think I can put into words at the moment how God ministered to me through this post, but He sure did. Thank you.
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January 24th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Katie says:
What a lovely, simple description of something I’ve so often struggled with… How is it, that when PEOPLE (whom God uses so frequently to show Himself to us) aren’t around, that God (who I can’t physically see or touch) is really, truly enough???
He always is – but it’s virtually impossible for me to see that until I’m standing in the middle of it. So glad to hear about our Jesus wrapping you up in His arms.
Love and peace to you!!
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January 24th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Laura says:
*tears again!* Praise the Lord for His peace that passes all understanding!!! I’m praying for you!
Much love,
Laura
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January 24th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Ana says:
Ash~
I’m so glad the Lord is your comfort and stay! What joy it brings to my heart to know you’re turning to the Lord in this heartbreaking, alone time! :) I love you so much! I’m praying for you!!!
*Hugs and Kisses*
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January 24th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Jessica says:
Again…bless your heart girley! I’ll be praying for your babies too! I’m sure it will be an adjustment for them without their daddy. I’m sure your an awesome mom and are going to do a great job until he gets back! God is SO good to us and He WILL be there for you in everything.
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January 24th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Mrs. C says:
Your precious heart is shining through this post! Can you imagine how much harder things would be right now if you didn’t have Jesus to trust in?
((Hugs))
Mrs. C
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January 24th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Tiffany says:
I was thinking you should sleep with the blanket a cuple nights when your finished with it so that when it gets to john he has your sent with him. I remember when we were living in the katella house I had one of my moms sweaters that I would wear to have her sent and it made me feel close to her. I love you so much and if you need me I am 1 hour away.
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January 24th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Haus Frau says:
((( tenderness and prayer )))
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January 24th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Anna says:
Ashleigh, your testimony of God’s grace is so incredible. We’re praying for you!
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January 24th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
College Gal says:
Praise God for his amazing grace mercy, love, and peace that passes all understanding. God bless you greatly!
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January 24th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Customer says:
May the peace that passes understanding continue to fill your heart and home… love you. ::hugs::
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January 24th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Elizabeth in Alaska says:
That was me. /\
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January 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Kelli says:
Praying His grace and safety over all of you :)
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January 24th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Robin says:
I love you Ashleigh! Your faith and ability to express your self in written word astounds me.
I *love* what GB said in her comment: John is on a hero adventure–sell it to the boys.
Prayers for you!
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January 24th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Anonymous says:
Oh, Ashleigh…. I just read your post to my husband with tears in my eyes and voice and could only finish it by saying, “she is AMAZING”. You spoke a much-needed word to my heart with what you wrote, and I am blessed by you. I thank God for you- for the blessing you are to me and so many others, and for taking such good care of you. He is good! Keep trusting, and I will keep praying as I have been, for Him to do all those things you said He has done- wrapping His arms around you and bringing peace to your heart.
Sending a hug from TX,
Amanda
(4kingandprince on LJ. :-))
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January 24th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Stacie says:
I am almost crying. That is so sad. I’ll definitely be praying for you and your husband. I’m sure you miss him terribly!
God bless you,
Stacie
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January 26th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
yoltec says:
My husband just got deployed yesterday February 18, 2010 and I have been going through all websites to find comfort and your posts have been a comfort tome. Thank you and God Bless your family.
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February 19th, 2010 at 3:03 pm