Listen.
Do you hear that?
Stillness. Complete quiet.
Both my boys are sound asleep. The first soft notes of an old Amy Grant song I loved as a little girl are beginning to fill the little computer nook I’m curled up in. The house is clean. The dishes are done. The washer and dryer have stopped for the night.
In a few minutes, it will be tomorrow. The beginning of another full day.
I know… I’ve not posted in over a week. I have emails from last week that I still haven’t responded to. But we are alive and well.
I have at least a handful of bloggie posts written in my head over the past week, but somehow none of them made it to the screen. The days here are so full of diapers, cooking, home-keeping, book reading, park trips, child training, projects for Daddy, coloring, gym-going, playing with trains, nursing… it seems there are hardly five minutes put together to spend doing the things that NEED to get done on the computer, let alone actually thinking enough to type. Add that to the fact that I don’t have a lap top right now and my desk top computer is upstairs… daily blogging? It just ain’t happenin’.
But, to be quite honest, there is another reason the “new post” screen has spent so much time open, yet blank, on my computer screen.
Every time I sit down in this desk chair and hold my fingers over the keyboard, staring at that blank screen, I get a shaky feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I plan to whip out a funny kiddo-related anecdote, or upload a picture, or ramble about something silly. But the truth is… I just don’t feel silly.
Writing is a part of me, whether it be my own journal, long letters or emails, or this thing we call blogging. It’s always been an outlet. The deep areas of my heart and mind tend to push forward when I put pen to paper, or, you know, fingers to keyboard.
You see, I’ve been running around, living in a whirlwind these past six weeks. I guess I’m subconsciously thinking that if I live in a flurry of baby-world, church, home, family, friends… then I won’t have to think about John being gone. It won’t seem as real. The time will go by so quickly that I won’t even realize what is going on.
I tell myself that, yeah, this is kinda hard. We sure miss John. And life alone with the boys is a little chaotic at times. But, no matter what, it’s going to be a little crazy with two boys under two. That’s just normal life as a mom. I have such support from those around me–family nearby, friends who rally around me when I’ve had a crazy day. Just yesterday I had two friends, at two different times, look me in the eyes and ask how they could specifically pray for me this week. I can’t even tell you how that blessed my heart.
Knowing all this, I struggle to pinpoint exactly what “it” is that’s difficult, given that the day-to-day of being a mom is just normal and I have more support than many military wives. What is “it?”
But then… the evenings come. The times like this. When it is so quiet I can almost hear my own heart beating. Then I remember. My beloved is away. I’m here alone. And the time… oh, how it seems to stretch endlessly in front of me. I realize that the normal day-to-day isn’t “it.” It’s this feeling. The loneliness that threatens to suffocate me. The emotional distance from my beloved that I feel more and more with each passing day he’s away and he becomes less and less connected to our everyday life here.
But by the next morning, I’ve always managed to convince myself to just. keep. moving. Be strong. Don’t let it bowl me over. It’s not really that bad. Keep telling everyone that we’re doing good… we’re hanging in there. Must be strong. Must… be… strong…
A few evenings ago, since I once again didn’t know what to write, I was be-bopping around the blogosphere and visited a blog I hadn’t been to in a while. This friend-of-a-friend was in the midst of several weeks with her husband gone for work, and as I read her words, I suddenly just… lost it. I cried harder then, right there at my keyboard, than I had at any point in the past several months. Everything I’d been trying to push down the past couple weeks flooded my heart as the tears flooded my eyes.
I laid across my bed, crying out to God with tears streaming down my face… “I can’t be strong. I’m not brave…”And I heard His voice say quietly – “I don’t expect you to be…”
As I lay with my face buried in my covers I felt His assurance begin to wash over me. His grace lifting me. It’s not about digging deeper. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps. Acting more spiritual. Or trying to muster the courage to face my trials…
It’s admitting there’s no way I can. It’s doing nothing, and realizing He’s already done it for me. It’s clinging to the Rock that is higher than I, and allowing His strength to hold me. To keep me from falling. to remove my fear. And to be my security.
The kind of strength that – powerful enough in and of itself – yet, is made even more perfect through my weakness.
Perfect strength – I like the sound of that!
No. I’m not strong. I can’t be. But He CAN. And He IS!
I suddenly realized it was okay to be weak. Which sure is a good thing, because that’s what I am right now. Perfect strength… my Jesus has abundant, perfect strength to hold me up in my weakness. And He says it is made perfect in this weakness of mine.
Talk about an opportunity to display His glory and power.
So how are we doing, you ask? I’m going to revise what I’ve been telling so many sweet ones who ask… Yes, we are doing well. We’re hanging in there. But here’s a tidbit more…
The truth is that I’m just clinging to Him with everything I’ve got in me. It’s a good thing His strength is so perfect, because I don’t have much in me. He’s holding me. Which means I’m actually just falling into His arms. And that is always the best place to be.
I have found a place where I can hide
It’s safe inside
Your arms of love…
Like a child who’s held throughout a storm
You keep me warm
In Your arms of love…
LeAnna Flowers says:
Oh, how He does care for us. When we just let go of that ever persistent battle of “having-it-all-togetherness” and let His sweet Spirit carry our load for the journey we’re in. Doesn’t matter if it’s a wee little hike, or a massive mountain climb, His power and strength stretch far beyond our human abilities. I love 1st Kings 18:46 “The power of the Lord came upon Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel.” So, we tuck our cloak into our belts, soak ourselves to the core with some Holy Spirit electrolytes, and hold fast to His word, because HE is faithful to complete all that He has started. :) Lord bless you this week.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
C.A. Worcester says:
I think Ashleigh you have figured out what life is all about. It doesn’t end….this feeling of hanging on….there is always SOMETHING going on as life on this side is not perfect. I just wish that when I was younger like yourself, I knew this. That I knew about our God and His incredible love for me.
You are doing great….and even if you cry everyday for an hour and think you are going over the edge….you are NOT alone and you ARE doing GREAT!!!!! I mean really, who is going to say to you “Ashleigh, you are doing terrible. Buck up girl!!!! Put a smile on your face…..this is not so bad. Think of all the OTHER wives and mothers who have it worse than you!”
You are doing great because of Him.
Still praying and WILL continue to pray for all of you dearest!!!!!!!
C.A. Worcester
March 4th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Katie says:
In tears… thanks for this post. The first two weeks of motherhood threatened to overwhelm me at times (and I only have one child, and my husband hasn’t been more than 2 hours away. )
It is so good to remember that He is sufficient for us – that when we cannot stand, we fall into His grace. And you’re right. There is no better place to be.
Thanks for sharing your heart… I know what you mean about putting words to the thoughts/feelings… something makes it much more real. Especially when things are hard, allowing myself to “speak” things through writing allows me to let go.
Praying for your little family – both near and far!
March 4th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Diane @ A Watered Garden says:
Ashleigh, I am blessed by watching His strength as it is perfected in your “weakness”…what a precious post. Your sweet spirit honors the Lord as you empty yourself and learn to drink deeply of God’s provision…learning to depend on Him much more than you’ve ever been called to do. More than many of us have ever been called to do. You are learning what it means to FULLY depend upon Christ, and how, though often painful…that IS the best place to be. I often find, like you, that music can do much to help me focus on the Lord and keeping my mind on Him. You certainly are blessed Ashleigh…to be in His Arms of Love! Blessings!
March 4th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Mrs. Nelson says:
I’m glad to see your back! I’ve missed reading your posts. Its normal to feel overwhelmed, and scared and everything you’re feeling while your husband is away. I understand it all, except the child part of it. We don’t have any kids (as much as I want them) so I can only imagine how you’re feeling with that.
Anyway, I’m happy you’re back and are still alive and doing as well as you can be. If you need anything, let me know.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Grafted Branch@Restoring the Years says:
:( Sorry, Ashleigh. That’s all…just sorry. Hang on.
Jesus is so very good. May His loving kindness envelope tonight and every evening throughout this deployment.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Nicole says:
I love you, Ashleigh. I’m praying for you. And. . . I’m proud of you, too. It isn’t easy to admit you don’t have all the answers, that your strength isn’t enough. But that admission is the beginning of something far greater, deeper, and more precious, as you have just begun to realize.
My prayer is that Jesus will be your Rock, your Safety Net, your last Thread of Sanity, everything that you need in the coming months. I love you; hang in there.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Christine says:
I’m sorry, Ashleigh. I wish it didn’t have to be so hard for you, but I’m so thankful that you can lean on Jesus. He is so good to hold us through trials and bring us closer to Him through them. I love the song by Chris Tomlin, “Your Grace is Enough”. It’s just a simple reminder. His grace is sufficient, day by day.
That’s a beautiful song. I don’t believe I’ve heard it before. Thank you for sharing it.
I’ll be praying for His strength and comfort for you and John, and the boys. *hugs*
March 5th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Mel's Mom says:
“One day at a time” OR “One moment at a time”- both are good ways. But the fact you are trusting in Him and His hand is what will make those ways do-able. You’re doing better than you know.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Megan says:
Ash- I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about you and whispered a prayer for you throughout the last few weeks. I’ve opened my phone and started text messages to you a few times, then closed it (I don’t know why! At one time I was having a few rough days & didn’t want any complaining to come out of my mouth! Sometimes when my daily life with the kids threatens to overwhelm, I think of you & wonder if you’ve been there, since our kids are almost the same ages. I sometimes feel like the only one whose had those moments!) Anyway, I AM praying for you and John. I have no words– except praise God that he IS our strength in our weakness, and that you are allowing him to hold you up. Keep on CLINGING! *HUGS*
March 5th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Emily says:
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’m praying for you. I couldn’t get you out of my thoughts yesterday, so I prayed for you a lot. God will continue to be your strength, so don’t let the weight of things crush you!
Emily Rose
March 5th, 2008 at 9:23 am
Rebekah says:
Praying for you, and can’t wait to see you on Sunday!
March 5th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Sara says:
much love and prayers for you, John, and your boys
March 5th, 2008 at 11:40 am
mel says:
Amen to that.
Glad to see you back at it… You are in my prayers daily!
March 5th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Chantel Harding says:
*hugs* Just cuz sometimes they say more than my few itty bitty words ever could do. :)
March 5th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Ginger says:
I am so praying for you and your family. I can’t tell you enough how happy that I found your blog.
Each post, each picture, each funny or touching thing you publish makes my heart cry or laugh or just leave the bloggy world with a smile.
I am 20 and want to have my prince come and find me. But while I wait and enjoy the single state the Lord has given me.
I can pop onto your blog and say “When I grow up I want to be like her!”:)
You are truly a blessing to me!!
Ginger
March 5th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Tiffany says:
Ash I love you more than I could ever tell you. I really didnt really get it until last weekend. Im mean I knew John was gone and how hard that was going to be but there is so so much more to it. That video of John really hit home for me. I think when he left I was so just filled with emotions I could think about anything but him not physically being there. Im here for you I hope you know that. The Lord has put me here to help you and I hope that you accept that and use me. I know you are strong without a doubt!!! I also know you are human and need a break every once and a while or just need some help and I can be one of those people for you!!! I want to be one of those people for you!!!! I really had soooo much fun last weekend at one point I think I was more excited than Troy at the concert. LOL! I love you so very very much!!
March 6th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Natalie Jackson says:
You are in prayers. Thank you for your honesty. My heart hurts for you.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Happymama says:
Isaiah 41:10 “Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Be not dismayed, I am thy God. I WILL STRENGTHEN THEE, yea, I WILL HELP THEE, yea, I WILL UPHOLD THEE with the right hand of my righteousness.”
Love you, little sister in Christ. I’m praying for you!
~Kristi
March 6th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Anonymous says:
:::HUGS:::
March 6th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Christine says:
Your Mama mentioned Troy’s illness. I’m praying for a quick recovery, and for the Lord’s protection over Merritt, and his strength for you!
March 6th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Elizabeth says:
I am continuing to think of you and pray for you, Ashleigh! *Hugs!*
March 7th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Debbie says:
You are in my prayers! I am glad you are going to the Real source of peace and comfort.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Becky says:
Hi, I just came across your blog tonight, and I wanted to let you know how much it blessed me. I am a Christian Marine wife, and my husband is deployed also. This is my first experience with deployment and actually military, (my husband was recalled months into our marriage). I don’t really have any connections to military wives since we don’t live on a base, so it is encouraging to read from others because I often feel quite alone during this time. Thank you for your words! And you have beautiful…or should I say handsome :) children!!
March 10th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
C.S.Bowlin Photography says:
Girl your amazing .. thanks for the facebook message but please please please send me your addresss and phone number ( you keep forgetting )
hugs babe
cs
March 11th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Jennifer says:
Ashleigh,
there isnt a day that goes by that you and the boys and your hubby dont cross my thoughts and then of course my prayers. praying for you!
<><
with love
Jenn & the kiddos
March 12th, 2008 at 9:31 am
The Ulmer Family says:
Hello Ashleigh,
I came across you blog a few weeks back, just in time to read your post when your husband was deployed. I sat here and cried and prayed for you.
My sister’s husband is in the National Guard and he was called out into training for deployment just 6 months after they were married. God worked a precious miracle, and he was not deployed, but stayed stateside. Those days before we found out he was actually staying home were agony for us all. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have a loved one actually over there.
I just want you to know that I am so grateful for the sacrifices you and your husband make for us all. I will be praying for his safety, and that you will have peace, joy and grace for each day that he is gone. You will be in my prayers daily!
God Bless You!
~Elizabeth U.
March 12th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Erika says:
I posted a message to you on my blog. I hope you have the time to read it. Erika
http://thepioneerhomemaker.blogspot.com/2008/03/heart-and-home.html
March 13th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Christine says:
Your new layout is so pretty, Ashleigh, and your new profile is so precious. You did a lovely job on this new layout.
How are you and your guys doing?
March 19th, 2008 at 2:49 am
Sileena says:
Ash your new design looks really really good. Would you email me with some info? nolanites at roadrunner dot com
March 19th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Mishel says:
LOVE the new layout!!! You did a great job, Baby-girl!!
Love,
Mama
March 19th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Ana says:
I really like the new look Ash!! It’s so beautiful!! I love the picture of you and John too (your profile picture)!! :) It makes me smile and want to cry at the same time!! Love and miss you tons and tons!! I wish we could have a girly day! You need to live closer. :) Or maybe I should live closer. Either way I miss you and wish I could see you guys!!
March 19th, 2008 at 10:52 am
dumptrucksandteacups says:
Ashleigh,
I just wanted to stop and say hi. I found your blog through a comment you left on someone’s blog and I’ve also seen your writing on YLCF.
I love your “love story”… I have a very, very similar story and we are seven years apart as well. :) We lived in Northern California until late last year when we moved to Colorado.
Anyway, like I said I just wanted to stop and say hi. Please know you are in my prayers while your husband is away. May His grace surround you in amazing ways.
Blessings dear one.
Carrie
March 19th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Julie Fink says:
Your new look is adorable! Praying for you.
March 19th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Kiersten says:
I love the new blog background!
March 19th, 2008 at 6:59 pm