To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment.
~George Lansdowne
A friend posted this quote in a private journal a few days ago and it’s been swirling in and out of my consciousness ever since. I hear it like a record running in my head while I wash dishes, bathe babies, attend get-togethers. It plays on while I run errands and go to church.
“…but to part and live…”
It even made its way into my dreams last night, after I fell asleep on the couch listening alternately to the playlist on Angie’s blog and my own playlist I call “needing God.” Asleep, still clutching this picture in my hand.
How I wish there was an “off” switch for emotions. I’ve tried to create my own–stuffing it all down, back, out of sight–but the end result isn’t pretty. Lashing out at those I love, the ones still here, we who are supposed to be holding tight to each other in the face of complete and utter rejection from one who said he loved us most, serves no purpose. Screaming through tears, words that don’t even sound like me, stabbing at a bleeding wound. Pointless.
Today I’ve realized there isn’t any toggle switch. It’s either all on or all off. To turn it off means a cold, stony heart that misses not only the pain, but the joy as well. Surface happiness might last for a while as the heart tries to cope and pretend things are normal, just hoping to function.
But wounds take time to heal. A lifetime built in security doesn’t just crumble without leaving it’s mark. Simply because she’s married, has a family, has had an existence apart from her childhood home for five years doesn’t mean a daughter has to convince herself she doesn’t have a right to the depth of pain she knows is abiding in her heart.
“…there, there is the torment…”
So I face the pain. The rejection. The despair. Knowing my Lord understands and has experienced far greater… from me. Believing that, though feeling again means experiencing what this pain is to me, individually, as a daughter who was very, very close to her daddy, and though the wound to myself and my family might look mortal to my eyes, my Lord will bring joy to equal this at some point down the road.
And yet, for now, feeling hurts.
Lord, bring comfort.
Cassandra says:
*hugs* I’ve been praying for you.
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February 11th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Robin says:
I think you are making a wise choice – to face the pain. I have read your blog for a long time and I have always been impressed by your spiritual maturity. The prayers of many surround you and your family – you will survive this. I am just so sorry you have been hurt so badly.
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February 11th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Danielle says:
My heart just broke for you…keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you navigate through this situation. *hugs*
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February 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Anonymous says:
God will hold you through this!!! Prying for you in NC Allison
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February 11th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Anonymous says:
Thast should say praying!!! :) Allison
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February 11th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Chantel says:
Crying and hurting with you, dearie, surrounding you with prayers…wishing there was a way to ease the pain. Love you bunches…
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February 11th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Rebecca says:
Ashleigh, I justed wanted to tell you that I feel your pain. I’ve been praying for you and your family. I know God can heal this. *hugs*
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February 11th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Carrie at dumptrucksandteacups says:
My heart just breaks… surrounding you with love and prayers… I know He will carry you…
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February 11th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
SonReignsRanch says:
Ashleigh,
my sweet friend. We will continue to lift you in prayer. Looking back over my life I can see God’s hand in the circumstances — even when those circumstances involved HORRIBLE things at the time. God will use this fire in your life to refine you and use you for His Glory even if right now you cannot see that. Don’t shut down. You are right in thinking that there is no toggle switch- I will be praying – I have been there before.
jennifer
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February 11th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Ginger says:
Ashleigh,
I will contiue praying for you and your whole family. My heart aches for you and I just wish I could say something that could make everything all better. But like I said I am praying for you Ashleigh please know that!!!
Ginger~
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February 11th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
LeAnna says:
Amen. Dear Lord do indeed bring comfort to each member of this family…
As Zechariah 4:6 proclaims, “It’s not by might, nor by power, but it is by MY Spirit, says the Lord of hosts.”
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February 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Elizabeth in Alaska says:
::hugs:: So, so sorry, Ashleigh, I wish I could say something helpful. I never had what you had, so I can’t say the pain I’ve felt is the same, but I guess pain is pain, and we all get through it as best we can, with the Lord’s love and mercy. I love you and pray your mourning may be turned to joy very soon…
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February 11th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
theresa says:
Hoping the Lord will use our words as a bit of a balm for your soul. {{{HUGS}}}. Bathing you, your dh and children, your mom … your dad — in prayer.
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February 11th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Shari says:
Sweet Ashleigh: Facing it is so hard to do, but so necessary. My heart is broken for your family. Keep holding onto Jesus. I hear your pain. I am praying daily. Loving hugs to you.
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February 11th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Katie says:
Oh Ash – that’s such a beautiful picture. I can’t imagine what you’re going through – but I do know that the love I see in that picture is real. Whatever is happening today, and whatever happens tomorrow…. that is a daddy and daughter with love.
I’ve made the choice to “turn off” before too – it seemed easier and wiser and safer… but it didn’t take long to realize how empty and lonely that was. You’re a wise gal – and God will fill your open heart with real, beautiful, living emotion. Sometimes joyful, sometimes heartbroken – but He is beside you.
Praying comfort for you. (and thanks for the screams and squeals – we’re excited too!!!)
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February 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Jen says:
I know how you feel. I was a daddy’s girl through and through. And while the divorce was essentially my mother’s fault (affair) it turned out dad hurt us the most in the long run. The sting of my father remarrying 5 years ago still hasn’t gone away, and I’m nearly 29. It wouldn’t have hurt so, except for a few things which basically told us “you are no longer important”, and regardless of the fact that none of us ‘kids’ like or trust her, had not when I finally talked to dad about the things that hurt us so deeply 3 years after the fact and he replied “Are you STILL hung up on that?” and basically told me to grow up and move on. Fabulous.
Just keep handing the pain over to God, dear. It will be a daily decision, to forgive and hand over. Forgive and hand over. Forgive and hand over. Daily. For as long as it takes.
I’m praying for you, Sweetie.
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February 11th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Katie @ Heart Gone Walking says:
Praying, praying, praying for you. Jesus will bless you for standing in His strength during this. But I still wish there was a switch for you.
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February 11th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Erin says:
What can you say to pain so deep and raw?
Not much, and even less that will help. Just know you are covered with so many prayers from all over the world.
This is a verse I clung to when I went through my darkest days;
The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
And remember, where there is life, there is hope.
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February 11th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
jes_04 says:
I will be continuing to pray for you and your family. My parents went through something similar 3 years ago when I was 20, but now they have worked things out. We were also a very close family and a Christian family at that! I will continue to pray for God to give you strength through this trial!
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February 11th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Jenna says:
Ashleigh, I am praying for you and your family!!
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February 11th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Mama Sheids says:
praying for you tonight, and every night! ((HUGS))) from afar
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February 11th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Miranda says:
My heart aches for you. I’m praying that the Lord will just cover you with his love.
Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
– PS 27.14
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February 11th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
JennyD says:
Oh Ashleigh. ::hugs:: Continuing to pray and think of your family often!
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February 11th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Megan says:
Praying for you!
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February 11th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Mishel says:
I love you my Baby Girl… you expressed yourself so beautifully. I love you…
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February 11th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Anonymous says:
Asleigh,
I came across your blog, and am reading your posts with a painful heart. The pain in indescribable. I too went through this when I was eleven. Almost twenty years later and I still have pain from it. Seeing your wonderful family go through this breaks my heart. It makes me frustrated, and want to know why? Why do these things happen to such wonderful people who love the Lord so much. Then I think of Job and all of his trials he went through, and yet he kept on trusting God. I think you and your family are like him. I was not like that, I was a lost young kid. Sometimes I think I still am even though I am much older. I am praying for your family to stay strong, and lean on God through this tough time. I am praying even more for your father, for him to REALIZE. My heart is with you, your mom, your brother, your husband, and your two beautiful boys.
Lots of hugs~L
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February 12th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Krystle says:
Hey Miss Ash I wanted to let y`all know that y`all are constently in our prayers we love y`all sooooo much
Love Kryssy
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February 12th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Heather says:
“Lord, bring comfort”…Loving you
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February 12th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Christine says:
Oh, Ashleigh, I am so sorry for your pain. I will keep praying for your family, for healing, for comfort, for repentance for your Daddy, and restoration to your family.
I was reading Lamentations 3 this afternoon, and the Lord put it on my heart to share these verses with you.
For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men. … I called on your name, O Lord, from the depths of the pit; you heard my plea, ‘Do not close your ear to my cry for help! You came near when I called on you;
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February 12th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Danielle says:
Oh Ashleigh, I’m so sorry! It is a torment that only one going through can understand. It is so very tough when something you’ve counted on your whole life- and truly believed in and was a security to you comes tumbling down around you. The Lord showed me in a very real and personal way- that no matter what may happen with people- God will ALWAYS be there and is the only One who will never disappoint. His love is true and faithful. I pray that you feel His arms around you- holding you, comforting you, loving you and your family during this terrible time!
[Reply]
February 12th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
sethswifeforlife says:
I'm sure the torment is felt, Ash. I just know that God's LOVE is greater. His forgiveness is greater. And I pray you feel enveloped in HIS arms.
love & hugs~
[Reply]
February 12th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Samantha R. says:
Oh, Ash…
I wish I had the words to say what my heart feels after reading this entry…
*wipes away the tears*
I wish I could say I feel the depth of your pain but having never been in your shoes, I know I really can't. And yet, I do feel your heart's cry for I know what it's like to lose someone dear to your heart. I do know what it's like to see a relationship on rocky
ground. And I do know what it's like to want to scream through the tears and also want to shut your emotions off and not feel what you're feeling.
But still, I don't think it's the same as what you have been and are still going through.
((Hugs))
It must seem like a nightmare…. how does one get through this sort of thing in life?
How does one move on and find healing?
I don't really know except by the power of God and His daily love, grace, and mercy.
Somehow, someway…. I'm praying that God will turn this "mess" around and bring complete healing and restoration to all of you. Hold on to Jesus… hang in there and don't give up hope!
Praying mightily for you; may our Heavenly Father comfort you in this very difficult time of your life. Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Love and hugs,
♥ S
P.S- The "Bring the Rain" blog has been such an encouragement in my life; I'm glad it has been blessing you as well!
[Reply]
February 12th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
bethany says:
that picture makes me cry….is this really true? it’s hard to believe. i love you so, so much, sissy.
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February 12th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Steve n Vickie says:
You’ve been in our thoughts and prayers many times over lately.
Hang in there. We’re praying for you.
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February 13th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Katya says:
Oh, Ashleigh…I’m praying.
Such grief.
The picture…um…killed me. I have one just like it. I can only imagine the pain.
Yes, Jesus understands. I pray that healing will come in His time, and joy as well.
[Reply]
February 15th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Elizabeth says:
Ashleigh, my friend … as a daughter who is closer to her father than to anyone else in the world, I cannot imagine your pain. But I am crying with you – and praying with you, trusting that “someday” our precious Jesus will wipe away your tears and turn your sorrow into joy. How? I have no idea how He can, but I know He CAN. Because He IS. Love is being sent your way. *Hug!*
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February 16th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Brittney says:
Aw Ashleigh, I can’t imagine going through what you’re dealing with right now. But I do want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I’m so sorry you and your family have to go through this. (((HUGS))) Somehow, someway, God will see you through.
[Reply]
February 16th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
nicole viola says:
“Today I’ve realized there isn’t any toggle switch. It’s either all on or all off. To turn it off means a cold, stony heart that misses not only the pain, but the joy as well.”
This really spoke to me- it’s so true. I’m praying for your family.
[Reply]
February 18th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Rachel says:
Ashley,
This scenario sounds all-too painfully familiar. My father (a professing Christian) abandoned our family nearly seven months ago and had been pursuing another woman (and a divorce) since that time. There are no words to express this experience of having one’s world turned completely upside down.
I identify with the shock, pain, anger and frustration. I’ll pray for you and your family.
[Reply]
February 24th, 2009 at 9:03 am