I’ll be honest. My head has been spinning all week, wondering what on earth to say next.
How do you drop news like that on people who care about your family and then go back to everyday jot and tittle? Doesn’t quite work. Details of the situation won’t be found here–I’d like to honor everyone involved as much as possible. Neither does it work (for me) to truly spill my guts to a computer screen, knowing that while many sincere and loving people will read my words, any stranger–or even any person involved in the situation–could stumble upon it.
So what do I say?
I could write a long rambling post–my specialty, after all–about what it feels like, from my point of view as a daughter, to have the the “rug” you’ve lived your whole life upon pulled out from underneath you. Or how it feels when someone you’ve trusted implicitly for twenty-two years throws away your trust. Or how earth-shattering it can be when you wonder exactly which parts of your life up to this point were real and which weren’t… and how much all of it can shake a faith you thought was unshakable.
But if I did that, none of it would make sense quite yet… and it goes back to that whole “honoring those involved” thing. I’m determined to do that, here in this space–whether or not I really want to.
The thing is, I don’t know WHAT to say. There isn’t much TO say. We are praying for a miracle–because only God and His power can change this situation.
So I’m just going to talk. I’m not sure what about, exactly. Maybe a post about normal, everyday stuff here, and a post about God being real the next. Maybe a post every day for a while, and then a bit of quietness around here for a week or two. I don’t know exactly.
I know… this post doesn’t even make much sense. But you know, that’s kinda what our lives have been about lately. Trying to make sense of a world that has been turned upside down and inside out. Trying to make an entrance back into normal life.. and realizing that it’s just not possible.
The only place to go from here is forward. Going back isn’t an option. Staying here would be torture. But putting one step in front of the other is doable, necessary.
If you want to join us on this journey, you’re welcome to come along. It may not look the same as the happy, sometimes idealistic path we’ve been used to–in fact, it won’t–but I see bends in the road ahead. And knowing Who laid the bricks in this road, I’m willing, anxious even, to put one foot out in front of me… and take the next step.
Anonymous says:
Mrs. Baker, I have read your articles on YLCF and have enjoyed them greatly and your blog is so nice. Many people are praying for you in the days and weeks ahead. May His grace be sufficient.
Beth Anne J.
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February 3rd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
lady jane says:
((( ashleigh )))
just be you, dear one. whatever the Lord puts on your heart to share, whether it be the weather, cute antics of your little men, how our precious Jesus holds you close, immediate challenges, what you’re fixing for dinner. you owe no one an explanation for whatever you are led to post. just be you. and know that there are prayer warriors pounding the doors to heaven!!!
much love in Christ,
Jane
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February 3rd, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Shari says:
I want to be a part of this journey only to hopefully be a source of comfort and encouragement during a time in your life where everything is upside down. I am storming the gates of heaven on your behalf and your family’s behalf every day. Just be you and let it flow whatever you have to say.
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February 3rd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
LeAnna says:
You know, that’s the beauty of genuine people who call themselves Believers in the Most High. We can pray for you, but we don’t need to know every detail. Just to see a hurting heart is enough to offer up prayers and petitions before the throne room of grace. Though we may not know you personally, and have never sat down to eat at your table, when any child of God is in need, the BODY of Christ gathers to help mend the wound, and apply the healing balm. Be it through a hug from a real-life friend, or the prayers of those who don’t really know you, we see a need and we respond. That’s what the Church body is about, and it spans the nations.
Know that there are many who remember you and your family in prayer even if all we read is the everyday stuff. We’ll let the Lord do the rest.
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February 3rd, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Katie @ Heart Gone Walking says:
Whatever you want to write, I’ll definitely be reading it. I’ve thought of you so often this past week and have been praying for you and your family.
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February 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Miranda says:
Ashleigh, those of us who don’t know you visit your blog because we want to read whatever you have to write, whatever you want to share, and because we have come to care about you and your family. Know that you have friends here who will be here throughout this journey to do whatever you need us to – whether that’s to be an outlet for what you’re feeling, or to talk about something ‘everyday’ when the concept of ‘normal’ just doesn’t exist in your surroundings.
I have been and will be praying for you and yours. Feel free to email me at any time if there’s anything I can do.
One last thing – I cannot express my admiration for the way both you and your mom are handling this. Your determination to honour everyone involved is truly exemplary.
Miranda
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February 3rd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Mishel says:
I love you so very much, my sweet girl…
Love,
Mama
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February 3rd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Ruth Ann says:
Ashleigh,
I've normally been a silent enjoyer of your blog, but I just want to tell you right now that my heart goes out to you. Just write what God lays on your heart and let Him do the speaking. I have never been in the situation you are at now, but I do know that He'll give us words when we feel so empty, when we feel shattered – He fills the void and helps us to trust in Him even when we can't trust in humans. He loves you and I'll be here. He's standing there and looking down upon you with a heart full of love & compassion. He WILL bring you out of this fire with a heart of gold. I love that verse in Isaiah where He says that when we come forth (from the trial) we will shine as gold.
Sorry. I didn't mean to write an epistle, but I want you to know I admire you. You've shared a lot of yourself on here to people you don't even know, but you have blessed so many by God in you. Keep praying – He's listing.
Love from a sister in Christ,
Ruth Ann
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February 3rd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Debbie says:
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
I so often think of this verse, may God’s word bring comfort to you as only He can.
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February 3rd, 2009 at 9:26 pm
Megan says:
Hi Ashleigh,
I’ve been enjoying your blog for quite some time and sad when I found it gone. Yesterday I checked again and read your sad news. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I will be praying for you and your sweet family. May God’s all suffienct grace be very near you during this time.
In Christ,
Megan
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February 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
kalipay says:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FtAjrNqEsoM
Bebo Norman’s “I Will Lift My Eyes”
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February 3rd, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Christine says:
It’s just good to have you back, in whatever form that may take. There’s plenty of grace in this space for you to just be whoever and whatever you need to be that day. Blessings and continued prayers to you and yours.
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February 4th, 2009 at 1:03 am
Linds says:
What ever you want to write about is fine, Ashleigh. You do and say what it right for you, and just know you are all in my prayers too.
Life throws some really difficult things at us at times, and how we handle those things is personal and individual and unique. I am sufficiently old enought to be able to look back, see both the miracles and the lessons learned along the way, and to understand a little more of the “why?” now. But, like you, I have no idea what may be around the next bend, and the only way to find out is to keep moving and trusting in a God who is already around that bend. He loves us best.
[Reply]
February 4th, 2009 at 3:56 am
Elizabeth says:
Ashleigh … dear one, I just want you to know that I SO respect and admire your decision to honour everyone involved in this situation on your blog. Good for you … ! I’m continuing to pray for you and your family. *Hug!*
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February 4th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Becky K. says:
You are a wise one to keep the details to yourself and your family. It is enough to know you are hurting…we can pray…God knows the rest.
As for your posting…it will come…and we will love whatever you care to post about.
You have my thoughts and prayers.
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February 4th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Melanie says:
I’m so sorry for your pain. My heart has been so heavy for you guys. I am still praying for your family. Unfortunately, I understand the feelings you are expressing. I wish I didn’t. But I’m on the other side now, we made it by the grace of God. Praying for a miracle for you guys too.
[Reply]
February 4th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Leah says:
Ashleigh,
This quote from Pilgrims Progress has been a great blessing to me…
“Our only fear for the future, is that we will forget how God has led us in the past.”
God is so faithful, He has always been and will always be. He is our solid rock that will Never shake.
I am praying for you dear sister.
Love in Christ,
Leah
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February 4th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Robin says:
Ashleigh,
We love you Ashleigh. Post what feels right. Not sharing details is a wise and smart thing.
Posting normal every day things doesn’t mean what is happening is suddenly ok. Kind of like forgiving doesn’t right the wrong.
We will continue to pray and be here for you!
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February 4th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Jodi says:
Thinking and praying for you all!
love,
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February 4th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
SonReignsRanch says:
we will continue to lift you guys in prayer. and while the fire burns God is refining us… but you already know that…. stay on course. He will see you through! Love you!
jennifer
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February 4th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Ginger says:
Ashleigh,
I just wish I had the right words to type in this small comment box of yours. I mean it’s so annoying when I want to say something so pofound but instead I come up empty.
And all that comes to mind is if you can make friends true lasting friends by getting to know someone on their blog. Then I would like to call you a friend and join your journey.
I am praying for you and your family!!
Ginger~
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February 4th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Heather says:
Perfect post…wonderful new starting point…excited to see what lies ahead. Love you so much
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February 6th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Mrs. Taft says:
Of course I want to know all the details, but I admire you for respecting everyone’s privacy. Either way I’m praying for your family :D
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February 6th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Deb says:
I let your Momma a comment over on her blog when I read her last entry. I sadly know the pain that she is going through. God provided a miracle in our case and will be praying that he will see fit to do the same for you all. I will be praying as I have been and I wish I could do more. Your blog may be a way for you to get it out as it were…write what God lays on your heart. Just listen and we will read whatever it is. You take care of you, your man and your babies…that will help your Momma more than you know. My heart is so heavy for you all…this pain is…. it is hard to get your head around. I know it and I can feel in your words and in your Momma’s. You hang in there and just keep being a blessing that you are. As always…praying!
[Reply]
February 9th, 2009 at 1:20 am
Anonymous says:
Ashleigh,
I don’t think I have ever commented on your blog, but I have come to enjoy reading it sooo much and sharing in your family’s life through all that you share with us. So it was with a heavy heart that I read of your recent trials…know that I will be praying for you SO much. I know that Our Lord has your family in His hand right now and that He is taking such good care of all of you. I pray that His will is done and that your family is restored. Thank you for sharing this with us– it must have been so painful. Lots of love and hugs!
[Reply]
February 9th, 2009 at 3:23 pm