Sometimes I wish I could reclaim my innocence.
I don’t mean I grew up too fast. Or that someone took my childhood by force in a heinous act.
I was lovingly protected in every way as a child and was sheltered from many of the world’s atrocities. I was the girl who left my American Girl dolls sitting out well past ten years old and who, to this day, tends to be the most naive person in a group of friends when it comes to worldly wisdom.
No, it is not an innocence of age or experience I wish for.
I wish for a spiritual innocence.
I yearn to push rewind. Go back to a time when I thought being a Christian meant–really, truly meant–loving Jesus and loving people. I want to move backward to the time before I gauged a person’s spiritual maturity based on how many controversial topics they were aware of and how well they could defend their position.
~~~
There is a tiny spot in my memory of being a little girl who simply loved her Jesus. One who danced around the living room singing made-up songs about Him, for Him. She was happy and she laughed freely. She was always excited to meet people who also loved her Jesus.
Somewhere along the way, someone told her–through words, through actions, even through facial expressions–that simply loving and serving Jesus wasn’t enough.
A real Christian, she was told, A growing and mature Christian has many important things to contemplate.
There were many, many weighty matters to which she needed to turn her mind.
She needed to worry about the length of her skirt. At the knee, below the knee, or to the ankle? She needed to be sure the person who led her to Christ read to her from the right Bible version that night. Here are the correct words to the sinner’s prayer. She needed to study a chapter of the New Testament and decide whether or not she would wear an outward symbol of authority. Should it cover all of the hair, or just the top of the head? She needed to have strong opinions on schooling, government, political activism. Government schools will ruin the children–the children we need to raise to take over that very government. She needed to think about the number of children she’d have one day, the skills she’d need to care for them and the spouse she’d need to have them. Courtship? Betrothal? She needed to figure out whether a person chooses God or if God chooses the person. Five points or free will? She needed to stick to one type of music. Rhythm… friend or foe? She needed to know what kind of worship style was the most like the New Testament church. Liturgical, Traditional, Contemporary… or no church? She needed to figure out what was the most Biblical way to raise her children. Spank? No Spank? Cry? No Cry? She needed to label her marriage. Is the wife equal, lesser, or just different?
She needed to do… and be… and fit… and try.
She needed to never stop striving to figure it out and to develop a passion for any and all of her opinions and conclusions.
Soon, she looked around and realized the Jesus she’d loved as a girl was nowhere to be found.
At least, she couldn’t find him in all of her doing and being and trying and striving.
~~~
I talk to people who are simply Christians.
They love Him. They love His people. They walk hand in hand with Him every day. They deal with the hardship and heartache, they live normal lives, but they are so wrapped up in Jesus that He encompasses their vision. They look at His beloved ones, and they find Him.
They’re unaware that it might not be that simple.
They may or may not hold opinions on any number of Christian doctrines and teachings. They may or may not have taken Bible courses. They may or may not have read multiple books coming from every angle. They may be a veritable fount of Biblical knowledge or they may be new in the faith.
But either way, they simply, beautifully love Jesus. They serve Him. They act as His hands and feet. They passionately tell of Him and His sacrifice. They just love Jesus. And they live Him.
Don’t they know it could be more difficult than this? Aren’t they missing something?
Don’t they realize there are so many issues to sort out before we can live that way?
I talk, I smile, I watch, I wonder.
A wistful vision flashes before me, of a little girl, happily twirling, singing, “My Jesus! My Jesus! My Jesus!”
And I envy their innocence.
Holly Hochstetler says:
I have been on the end of no innocence with all of the issues and questions that I was told needed to be sorted and decided. But now I have been freed up from all of that and am now moving into a place of simply worshipping my Jesus and learning that it is and can be simple and is meant to be simple. Sadly enough though, the church as a whole, has made it to be difficult. For it has taken the simple and added religious tradition and the religious tradition has removed the basic simplicity of the Word.
I strongly encourage you to check out http://www.awmi.net
This anointed man of God takes us back to the simplicity. His teachings have brought freedom and simplicity to my relationship with Christ.
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January 21st, 2010 at 3:16 am
Katie @ Heart Gone Walking says:
I don’t believe in coincidences. I don’t believe it was a coincidence that I read this post and then read Jer. 31:3-4 during my quiet time right afterward. I can so relate to what you say but God (thankfully) is teaching me that He loves to redeem and rebuild.
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January 21st, 2010 at 4:46 am
Katie says:
It’s so hard – but it’s possible to get it back, bit by bit, piece by piece. The toughest part for me is knowing that I’m being judged – and I care FAR too much what other people think – rather than just focusing on what my Jesus knows and sees in my heart, my words and my actions.
I try to remind myself each morning that His yoke is easy and His burden is light – and that yoke is to simply love God and love others. The stuff we add to it is heavy, and I must put it down to receive His rest.
Thanks for sharing… praying that you get to set down a little bit of extra burden today, and do some good Jesus-twirling.
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January 21st, 2010 at 4:57 am
Melanie says:
Wow, that’s quite a burden you have carried. I love that you are thinking about all of these things, instead of continuing under the weight of all that because it is how you grew up. It sure is hard for a mom of little ones to have time for deep thoughts and soul searching, but I imagine that thinking about how your little guys are going to grow up has influenced this path. Thinking about what I want for my kids has made me re-think some things too. Anyway, I think I’m rambling. I just wanted to say I think you’re on a good path and thanks for sharing it with us.
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January 21st, 2010 at 5:18 am
LeAnna says:
Having recently gone through many of these feelings myself, I can relate. Never in my life would I have believed that the very church I was going to was fostering the inadequate feelings. In fact, teaching them from the pulpit. Rereading and remembering that Abraham was saved by faith, and rereading Romans chapters 6,7, and 8 helped show me that it has absolutely everything to do with what Jesus Christ did at calvary and nothing to do with what I think I can/can’t do. Our freedom is at the Cross. Our victory was paid for with the blood of one Lamb for all the world. When I realized that I was trying so much in vain to, in essence keep the written Law of God, it showed me how little I was relying on what Jesus did. Paul so adamantly stated in 1 Corinthians 1 that he did not come to baptize, but to preach the gospel lest the cross of Christ be of no effect. While baptism is good (just using this as a metaphor) what is it that makes the person? The gospel of the cross of Christ! We find our rest in him, and in turn place our faith properly and wholly in him, works become a secondary by product. But they are not what account for our righteousness in the sight of Christ. So many Christians live with that in reverse. I could go on an on because this is a matter near and dear my heart. I pray God reveals Himself to you through His word, friend. Because this is not a light burden to carry around, it weighs on the heart and soul…
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January 21st, 2010 at 6:23 am
jAne says:
(*(*( gentle hug )*)*)
Rest. Lean back into the solid embrace of the King. Allow Him to heal the wounded places of your heart. Accept His simplicity of life in Him, for it really is just that simple. Love Him, with every pore of your being. Be His. Find delight in His Word and allow it to be a lovely fragrance in your home. Walk softly.
Kari Jobe sings a beautiful melody that I have on my blog. It speaks of just this thing. I encourage you to listen and be blessed, dear friend.
Love,
jAne * tickleberryfarm.blogspot.com
[Reply]
January 21st, 2010 at 6:55 am
Leah says:
Wow Ashleigh… I can relate to this post s.o. much… I’m going through [and have been going through] alot of the same thing. Thank you for your openness and for sharing!
Leah
http://www.leahcross.com
http://leahcrossphotography.blogspot.com
[Reply]
January 21st, 2010 at 7:48 am
Karen says:
Amen, sister. I get caught up in all the issues; all the things I’m supposed to know, think, and contemplate.
And yet the passage of scripture that continually comes to mind is John 21:20-22: “You follow me”.
So the question becomes not “am I doing it the right way or is she or what about them?” But simply, “Am I following my Savior?” If I could embrace that concept, my Christian walk would be much more peaceful.
[Reply]
January 21st, 2010 at 7:56 am
mishel says:
Aww,my sweet girl…how I remember well, that little girl twirling around singing, “My Jesus, my Jesus, my Jeeeesuuus!”. And how I remember the young mama that I was then, inspired by your simple love and faith in your Jesus.
The Lord has always used you in my life…then and now.
I love you…
[Reply]
January 21st, 2010 at 9:23 am
Joanna says:
Quite true. Christianity is simply loving and following Jesus – or, you could even say LIVING Jesus, because we are supposed to be so filled with Him that we only think what He thinks, and say what He would say, and desire what He desires.
However, I’ve never known anyone who could do that without setting standards for themselves somewhere, without stating,”This is what I will believe, and this is what I won’t believe. This is how I will dress, and this is how I won’t dress.” While people use those standards as excuses and crutches – or, even as a cover-up for the fact that they don’t really love Jesus – that doesn’t mean the standards are bad and should be gotten rid of. Even Jesus set limits for Himself. They were limits given directly from God, of course, and so, were perfect in every way, but He still held to certain standards and convictions. I would encourage you not to let go of all your own standards and convictions without seriously reviewing them before the throne of God, as I’m sure you already do. I love you and your family (from a distance, of course) and love reading your writing. It is always inspiring and humbling and thought-provoking.
[Reply]
January 21st, 2010 at 11:27 am
Musings of a Housewife says:
This is a very important topic. I’m so glad you have discovered that true Christianity is not a list of dos and don’ts but that you can be free as you were as a child. ((hug))
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January 21st, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Laura says:
I’ve just started reading your blog. I guess I’m at the opposite spectrum in that I long for the innosense of being free from the burden of the knowledge of wordly things. I am free in Christ but see where so many things seek to distract me and take my eyes off of my precious Jesus. I too long for that simple innocent love of Jesus and others. I am reminded that when my mind gets bogged down and polluted by things I must remember “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Phillipians 4:8
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January 21st, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Katie says:
Ash -
Just had a thought this morning while I was in the shower…
Perhaps the faith we have as children is innocent and naive, and we lose that innocence as we grow.
Getting BACK to that childlike faith isn’t necessarily a return to innocence, or a “going back” – but a wisdom that moves beyond what people tell us – and takes us back to what God tells us.
So maybe it’s not so much a going back as it is coming full circle.
((hug))
[Reply]
January 22nd, 2010 at 10:08 am
Nicole says:
*Hugs*
Thanks for being brave enough to share, Ash. I needed to hear this today.
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January 22nd, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Heart & Home » Best For Clickin’ and Other Such Matters says:
[...] A Lost Innocence [...]
January 22nd, 2010 at 6:34 pm
Kelly @ Love Well says:
I know I’m late to the party here, but I had to chime in to agree with the wisdom in Katie’s second comment.
I think maturity requires that we lose some of the naivety we had as children. We didn’t think for ourselves; we assimilated what we were told by adults. Coming to our own place in Christ, making “the faith our own” requires that we take a good hard look at the things we once considered sure. If we never do that, our faith is shaky and rests on the shoulders of someone else. (And if that person should stumble? We stumble. Even though our faith should never have been joined with theirs in the first place.)
What you’re dong is healthy and good and mature. And yes, eventually, the innocence comes full circle. But it is deeper than a child’s innocence. This is one who has stood the test and KNOWS God is faithful and believes Him even when it doesn’t look like He’s faithful.
[Reply]
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:26 am
Elizabeth Esther says:
Oh, this so inspires me! It’s really something I remember experiencing as a child, too. You totally brought back a memory for me! THank you!!!
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January 24th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Hillary says:
I think about this too. Recovery from spiritual rape can be arduous, especially because it is so elusive, confusing, and untalked about. Reclaiming the mind, heart and soul never happens for some. I’m glad you recognize it for what it is ~ that’s the first step and for some the biggest hurdle.
Great words. {{Ashleigh}}
[Reply]
January 27th, 2010 at 5:53 am
The Daily Dance of Joy | Young Ladies Christian Fellowship says:
[...] the sweet picture on the cover of a little girl dancing? To me it represents the hope that my generation’s loss of joyful innocence can be restored: not into blissful ignorance, but into delightful dependence on [...]
March 2nd, 2010 at 7:05 am