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Speaking of It

February 25, 2010

Please stop,” he asks.”You know I hate it when you talk like that.

Come on,” she says. “It’s getting ridiculous.”

Get used to it,” a friend tells another. “She talks like this about herself all the time.”




Do I look fat in this skirt?

Back when I was thin…

If I was still skinny…

Have you seen these thighs?”

Ugh. I look like a cow.”




I thought talking about it meant I was okay with it.

I didn’t want people to assume I was oblivious to my weight fluctuations.

I thought if I could talk openly, candidly, jokingly, other people would feel they could talk about it too.

They’d know it was all okay.

But it wasn’t okay.

It wasn’t okay with me.

And it certainly wasn’t okay with the people around me.

The truth was they didn’t care whether I was wearing a size four or a size eight or a size twelve. They didn’t notice every two pound gain or loss. They didn’t love me more based on how many days a week I spent at the gym.

But they were sick and tired of hearing me talk about it. The bashing. The joking. The bemoaning.

Those closest to me begged, pleaded, implored.

The rest rolled their eyes, changed the subject and coughed with meaning.

I imagined that talking about my weight issues (or perceived issues) would clear the air in my conversations, and people wouldn’t have to skirt around  the issue that was, to me, the loudly sounding elephant among us.

But suddenly, not very long ago, it occurred to me that not once had the recipient of my self-depreciating weight comments been anything other than completely uncomfortable.

I thought the Monster wouldn’t be so big if I could name it.

Though my mind told me the talking–the sad attempts at humor, the self-degrading jesting, bringing it up often–would make me feel better, I broke a bit more every time I spoke of it.

I thought talking about it meant I was okay with it.

The truth couldn’t be more distant.

~~~

LosingItBanner1

One of my most sought-after goals in the Losing It competition is that of changing my thinking.

Last week I bared my soul to you about my struggle with consistently eating for health instead of starving myself into long term metabolic damage. I have to change my thinking and remember that food itself is not the enemy.

The next goal on my totem pole is that of the way I talk, and, at the root of it, the way I think. Constantly berating myself for real or perceived flaws does nothing to reach the end destination. Instead, it draws attention to the very thing I’m trying to convince everyone isn’t a big deal.

Pointless.

~~~

The Week 1 report:

Food: I ate three meals a day, every single day. That is huge. I even ate some snacks. We’ve been able to find a few resources for good, whole food here in our new town, which has been wonderful–I’ll be talking more about that in future Losing It posts.

I also ate Chinese (total weakness of mine) and ice cream on a date night. But I’m totally forgiving myself for that, being it was our last real date of that sort before the deployment.

Water: It is so hard for me to remember to drink water. I didn’t drink enough, by any stretch of the imagination. I’m going to aim to finish two of my big water bottles every day, because I can actually feel the dehydration.

Exercise: I have a new exercise program I’m planning to use in place of the gym since I don’t have the same options available any longer in our new tiny mountain town. I planned to start it this week, but didn’t ever get enough boxes and floor space cleared out of our new house to actually do so. Instead, we went snowshoeing, walking, sledding and skiing.

I definitely burned a calorie or a trillion and after the skiing yesterday (WITH the boys!) I can hardly walk. Just sayin.

Losing It: As of this morning, I’ve lost two pounds this week. That’s right on track.





Losing It (but not our sanity) is a 10 week weight loss competition hosted by Mary at Giving Up On Perfect, along with Jessie at Vanderbilt Wife and me. If you’d like to join in the fun–and the loss!–go to Giving Up On Perfect and link up to your own post about the challenge. If you link up six of the ten weeks and are the contestant with the highest weight percentage lost, you will win a gift card to Dick’s Sporting Good, a pedometer provided by Weight Watchers, and a six month subscription to The 6 o’Clock Scramble, a healthful menu planning service.


Thanks for joining us on our journey toward health!





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17 Comments »

  1. Megan says:

    What a great week you had! Congrats!

    February 26th, 2010 at 3:15 am

  2. Christine says:

    Way to go!

    February 26th, 2010 at 7:45 am

  3. kaira says:

    I’m weighing in on this tomorrow. Today is my little guy’s birthday. I just don’t have time today – I’ll post tomorrow.

    February 26th, 2010 at 8:04 am

  4. Lori (A Cowboy's Wife) says:

    Well, considering a very good friend of mine sent me this post probably means she’s tired of hearing me whine about my weight….I’m much like you obviously and reading this felt like a rock was being thrown at my head…..I get it now.

    Good luck with getting fit. It’s a hard journey but definitely not impossible;)

    February 26th, 2010 at 8:26 am

  5. mishel says:

    So proud of you baby girl!!! : )

    February 26th, 2010 at 8:34 am

  6. Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says:

    Congratulations on the 2 lbs! I have such a bad habit of talking bad about myself, too. I figure if I point something out, then other people won’t. Not smart, but it’s what I’ve done. I’m working on it, though…

    February 26th, 2010 at 8:52 am

  7. To Think Is To Create says:

    This totally resonates. Thank you hon!

    February 26th, 2010 at 8:54 am

  8. Alison says:

    Congratulations!

    I’m the queen of fat talk, but have tried to muffle it since I have an impressionable 8 year old daughter. Of course, she inherited her father’s long lean body and awesome metabolism, so she has nothing to worry about. But still, fat talk doesn’t do anyone any good.

    February 26th, 2010 at 9:49 am

  9. Tracy says:

    Well done, sounds like you had a good week. I have been following your blog since the last deployment and really admire you for doing this at this stressful time in your life. Good luck for the next week.

    February 26th, 2010 at 12:03 pm

  10. Dani says:

    Yikes. What a gutwrenching post. I’ve long joked about my size (I’m curvy” “got a little more to love” etc…) and I told myself knowing was half the battle! Just as you said- if I could say it then it wouldn’t be so bad! But wow, I’ve probably been making others uncomfortable… I am going to try and change my thinking and work on eating healthier foods…

    Thank you for sharing- its eye opening and encouraging! I pray for you, your family, the deployment, your Mama and hope you feel the Lords presence in a special way!

    February 26th, 2010 at 2:51 pm

  11. Alana says:

    I know what you are talking about! Just make light of it before it becomes uncomfortable… just really its really uncomfortable now. UGH! Won’t it be nice not to have this problem anyway?? Here’s to healthy weight loss!

    February 26th, 2010 at 3:15 pm

  12. April says:

    Go you! :-)

    In my opinion, there is nothing that compares with “real life” physical activity…the kind you do for fun with your loved ones, rather than the kind that makes you jump around (and feel like an idiot, if you’re me) in front of the TV.

    February 26th, 2010 at 3:45 pm

  13. Kathy @ House of Hills says:

    I so hear you. Pun intended. I hear myself doing that often. Thanks for the reminder to change our self and outward talk.

    February 26th, 2010 at 8:04 pm

  14. Jaclynn R. says:

    I admire your honesty and congratulations on getting a good start and losing the 2 lbs this week. Way to go Ash! And hey, skiing is one of the best exercises…I’m convinced it using most of your muscles. lol

    February 27th, 2010 at 9:19 am

  15. Samantha R says:

    I am SO PROUD of you!! You go girl!! :)
    *huggles*
    ~Sam
    P.S. I totally know about the skiing and barely able to walk part. Ouchie! But it’s all good once you’ve recovered ;)

    February 27th, 2010 at 10:03 am

  16. Melissa@SimplyMel says:

    Good job! Thanks for hosting this. I’m excited to be a part of it

    February 27th, 2010 at 3:47 pm

  17. Kelly @ Love Well says:

    I’m so proud of your controlled weight loss this first week. Way to go!

    February 28th, 2010 at 6:45 pm

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