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The Touch and The Need

February 23, 2010

Morning.

Closeness.

Swollen eyes. Messy hair. Breakfast. Stuffy noses. Thomas the Tank Engine cartoons.

Snuggling. Clamoring. Climbing. Hair pulling. Snuggling closer.

Tired boys. Irritability. Whining.

More clamoring.

Mommy. Mama. Mommy. I need you. Can you? Mama. I need. Please? Mommy. Mama. I need this. Can I? Will you? Hold me. He hit me. Mama. I want that. Mommy? I need.

Need.

Need.

More clamoring. More whining. More touching. More climbing.

Suffocating.

“Stop. STOP. No touching. PLEASE. Nobody touches Mama. Just… stop.”

My hands gripping the roots of my own hair.

Looking at their daddy. My teeth interlocking.

I’m going to freak out. Five minutes. Just five minutes without being needed. Or touched. I’m done. I’m going to lose it.

Um,” his look was gentle. “You kind of just did.

Oh.

Yeah.

~~~

Silence.

Sitting at the edge of the couch. Slipper clad feet planted purposely, firmly on the floor. Pulling the laptop from the coffee table.

So much to do. Catch up. Stay on top of the game. So much noise coming from the silent screen.

Five minutes. Just five minutes. To focus.

Mommy?

Whispered. From the other end of the couch. Cautious. Because of the freak out.

No turning of my head. Fingers typing. Absent. “Yes, babe?”

I just need a little kiss.

Stinging. Deep. So deep.

Breathe.

Laptop closed and slid back on the coffee table. Slippers kicked off and feet propped up. Sinking back into the overstuffed cushions.

“Come ‘ere, guys.”

Snuggling. Giggling. Holding. Arms entwined. Fingers running through messy hair.

Kisses.

Sometimes the touching is too much. Sometimes the needing is never ending.

Sometimes the freak out is legitimate.

But sometimes the touching is simply traded in for another form of contact. And sometimes the needing comes through notifications and electronic chimes.

Sometimes the issue isn’t the touching or the needing.

It’s simply who is allowed to touch and need.

Mama? I need a little kiss.

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20 Comments »

  1. LeAnna says:

    Beautiful…and boy have I been here.

    February 24th, 2010 at 5:11 am

  2. Christine says:

    Wow. How convicting.

    Your writing has such a away of taking us on a little journey right to where you are and experiencing it along with you.

    May each of us mothers remember to “give a little kiss” and make sure our little ones know how much we love them each day.

    Praying for you guys as “goodbye” day comes closer. May Jesus hold your family in His arms and give you lots of tender moments together.

    February 24th, 2010 at 5:56 am

  3. Alicia says:

    How true. I’ve been there myself..so many times.

    February 24th, 2010 at 6:58 am

  4. Dana says:

    Sometimes we do just need a few minutes, but the computer especially seems to be able to absorb the attention and take more time than intended.

    February 24th, 2010 at 7:02 am

  5. To Think Is To Create says:

    I have had these moments. “I just need a little kiss” stung me, too. Because I remember how that felt.

    xoxo you

    February 24th, 2010 at 7:08 am

  6. Hillary @ The Other Mama says:

    You know, I have felt this MANY, MANY days. Specifically with the computer. O-man asked me one day if he could play computer with me so we could talk.
    And then I just knew that the Mother of the Year folks wouldn’t show up that day, after all.
    But we do some things right. RIGHT? SURELY?

    February 24th, 2010 at 7:14 am

  7. lisa leonard says:

    my life exactly. love you.

    February 24th, 2010 at 7:14 am

  8. Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says:

    Ahhhh, so true. That just about made me cry – because I’ve been there. Your post made me think of something that was said in the balance panel at Blissdom, something about “one more minute-ing away the day.”

    Good reminder, Ash. Great illustration. Thank you.

    February 24th, 2010 at 8:19 am

  9. Laura says:

    *sigh*
    Sad to say, I’ve been there. More times than I care to admit!

    Love to see that you are back to blogging lots more. =)

    February 24th, 2010 at 9:35 am

  10. mandie says:

    Wow. I’m not a momma yet, but seriously, SO true. Our needing isn’t always tactile or physical(yet, often it IS!), but the need for attention, for security, is always there, even when we don’t want to believe it. I am SO struggling with this lately, on both sides of the spectrum.

    February 24th, 2010 at 11:21 am

  11. mishel says:

    I love you baby girl. Lots. :)

    Love,
    Mama

    February 24th, 2010 at 11:31 am

  12. Jessica @ Life as I See It says:

    Very sweet Ashleigh – and how beautiful is it how forgiving our little ones are of our own short comings!!

    I have been thinking deeply about my needs/their needs and what it means to live through each day – I blogged a bit of my thoughts on it last night from a beautiful quote I found made by David Livingstone.

    Enjoy the sweet kisses!

    February 24th, 2010 at 12:06 pm

  13. Kelly @ Love Well says:

    Sigh. I know both sides of this drama.

    Lately, we are so house-bound and I am so sore and the kids are SO ALL OVER ME and my husband is traveling and I have no breaks — that sometimes, I feel like I’m just a dried hull. I don’t even have the energy or caring to freak out.

    But then I see their sweet faces and I know – I KNOW – time doesn’t stand still. And I regret that I wish away even one second.

    February 24th, 2010 at 12:10 pm

  14. Nicole says:

    I have so been there . . .

    ouch. I don’t like remembering.

    but remembering is good.

    love you!

    February 24th, 2010 at 5:11 pm

  15. Katie says:

    Love it.
    The pouring out of a mama never ends – and I feel so very empty, so unable to give sometimes – and in those moments, those sweet, little kiss moments – oh, I cherish those cheeks and little arms and sweet, sweet hearts that have been entrusted to me.
    I’ve pinned up a couple of verses – because this mama, when she is tired and touched out – has a tendency to feel angry. And I don’t like it. It makes my kids cautious and fearful.

    And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect… such love has no fear, because perfect love drives out all fear. (1 John 4:17a &18)

    Thanks, Ash.

    February 24th, 2010 at 5:40 pm

  16. Heather says:

    Ohhhh yeah, totally know. Loved the post :) Needed it

    February 24th, 2010 at 7:07 pm

  17. Becca~TimeWellSpend says:

    You expressed that perfectly, I’ve been there many times.

    February 24th, 2010 at 7:16 pm

  18. Amanda says:

    Thank you. Just thank you.

    February 24th, 2010 at 11:56 pm

  19. Ginger says:

    Sigh…cool,refreshing,truthful, humbling. In so many words I’m not a mother or wife I still needed that post.
    Ginger~

    February 25th, 2010 at 5:13 pm

  20. Beth says:

    Funny how we just want a moment to ourselves. When we get it we really don’t want it. Thanks for bringing me to tears…

    February 26th, 2010 at 3:34 pm

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